Ain't u read the Red Book? That looks neither 'happy' or 'natural'!! 

Doreen is puzzled, she got her tickets mixed up and thought she was at a Cliffy concert 

It was like going to sea .... as each competitor arrived at the ringside, they were 'piped onboard'. 

That is about the same height as the retrieve over a hurdle jump in the World Cup isn't it? 

Is this the route for the London to Brighton bike ride? 

Slight problem here Mum; one of us really needs to be looking where we are going 

... and the emergency exits are to the right and to the left.... 

Okay, Okay, I'm sorry, I won't put my money down...!! 

I may not have got it right mum but at least it's not raining. 

Mum, I'm sure that's our class in the stay ring! 

Are you sure this is the caravan club site?. 

WAIT...Who swapped my donkey for a dog. I applied for the donkey derby 

The worlds first formation cartwheeling team prepare for their world record attempt! 

Send your dog when I click ny heels twice 

Oh no they are ganging up on me. 

"So much for 'Tom Tom' this doesn't look like Goodwood to me" 

"Oh sorry, forget what I said. I misread the programme. You're the Luce woman, not a loose woman!" 

"The name's Bone.....Allebone" 

helpppp call the fire brigade. I'm stuck! 

dunno wot she looks so cross for....i'm exactly in line!! 

When the boys were asked if they wanted to watch Herbie, they thought they were going to see a Disney film about a car. 

Nadine's world record attempt ended in failure when she called for a cold beer after just 2 sit-ups. 

I taught him to do that in case tummy-tickling ever becomes part of the temperament test. 

When I said "Pick up your dog", That`s not quite what I had in mind!!. 

I'm sure she said 'Throw the dumb-bell beyond the judge - not into the next county!!!' 

Now you are sure you've memorised the ASSD positions cos once we start heelwork I can't show you the card again 

The judge always penalised barking but in this instance decided that a little wine was quite acceptable. 

Well Should we let her use the megaphone in DC or not ?????????? 

AHEM ! excuse me but my dog is here ! 

What's up Mum?? What did she say? Why did you sock her one?? It was a smashing right hook!! 

Thought I was coming to a 'vicars and tarts' party but someone said it's just 'old farts'. 

"See, it clearly states that you do NOT need to bring your dog into the ring when doing stays". 

Park where directed OR ELSE!! 

"Away" and cause havoc amongst the ticket stays, while I take some juicy snaps for OBUK captions… 

I don't think spreading that story about Ticket stays being cancelled has worked - here comes another flippin' handler! 

Yer yer, I heard it all before....you're the only gay on the village. 

"Just how many are waiting in this running order??" 

Embarassingly he's just learned that the dog show dates had been re arranged and it was playgroups as usual this Sunday. 

I like a man that knows his place! 

This is our only chance to be positioned higher than those ticket handlers. 

Oh no!!! Everything has gone to pot!!! 

The Germans just put their towels down, the English park their dogs as well! 

I am cold please give me your jumper mum 

She just didn't know where to look, after noticing that the steward's flies were undone! 

Amazing stuff...if it ever lands, let's see if she can make me fetch it! 

He had put his shirt on the border collie winning, how was he to explain this to her indoors? 

So that's cheese, bread, for the sarnies and something to drink, hope there's a Tesco near and remind me not to judge here again !!!! 

That's one in the eye for the collies! 

For gawd sake hurry up, I'm bursting. 

By this stage the competitor realised his first place was just out of reach, 

Well.. They said he was BIG in Obedience!! 

Cor mum;you nearly blew my ears off!!! 

Did you hear that thunder...obviously , all the collies did! 

As she lined up for the free-kick, she was faced with a rather unusual wall. 

Try and look casual and don't look behind you, but they really look fed up they've got the wrong week for the skiing course! 

Auditions for the "village people" tribute band were hit by dyslexia problems 

"That's got them packed, now all we have to do is wrap it in Christmas paper". 

They said if i tried yoga i would be more relaxed in the ring 

Perhaps we ought to look at the ringplan. 

"Oi, have your dog-end back" 

No one was good enough for a red rosette, so I'll give everyone a white one. 

Turn out your pockets and prove you haven't got any money for raffle tickets! 

She'll be back..........left the dumbell in the car AGAIN. 

Mum, please hold me up ... I think I've had a bit too much to drink!!!!! 

Helpers are getting so hard to find one show had to resort to stealing the Paul McCartney waxwork from Madame Tusades to judge a C. 

"Anyone seen the 4th placed handler? He's about this tall, a bit camp and has half a leg missing. Dogs KC name is Arntie Lucky...." 

Don`t let any more air out of the blow-up Arnie doll,its getting all wrinkled!! 

"one day we will have our very own Khyam.....just like that one over there......" 

Yes it is a hot dog but I promise you there is no actual dog in it. 

What do you mean? 'Extra elbow signals?' 

3-2-1, last command...(she b*****s off )........then I rip the stupid thing to bits!!!!!!!! 

No No Donald, i said down boy, not Del Boy!!!!! 

I said heel not kneel! 

Funny that! Your dogs name Scooby, Im shaggy. 

So let's get it clear, I'm judging, you're scribing and you said that you would prefer to call the round 

I just hope no one says "AWAY" or I am in for a bumpy ride. 

Do you know the tables on my knee? No mate, but if you hum it, I'll play it. 

HOW disappointing ...... I was sure I would get the St Bernard WITH the brandy bottle 

This is Crufts mate, Holiday on Ice was last month! 

OK. OK. You can go to the bar at lunch time. Now will you please stop sulking. 

Unfortunately Mary had forgotten her glasses which made finding the collie thief rather difficult. 

As the onlookers stared aghast at the Ticket Sendaway, Beverley quickly checked the rules. "Nope, it's legal!" 

Okay, heres the deal; you do your retrieve & i will buy you a ice cream,lets shake on it??? 

When you said you'd built a teasmade for the caravan, I was kind of expecting something a bit smaller. 

Obedience or line dancing? 

I don't want any tongues on the first date 

I could see it was going to be a long day.... 

I said I fancied a pot noodle not a hot poodle! 

Ahhh. Fancy asking me if I'm ready. Ain`he sweet? 

The judge bursting into two verses of Nesun Dorma didn't breake the handler's concentration. 

IT WASN'T ME!!!!! 

Urrrrrmmmm.......have I got the right dog? 

The zips gone, if I let go they're going to fall down round my ankles. 

This is how the first one ended up so please make sure he fetches it back just like this one and then the judge won't have to get new ones. 

Obviously the J Lo style of dancing looks much more sexy when you're not wearing the knee length pullover. 

As soon as she says "I name this dog..." I'm out of here! 

And in 5th place............... was the Invisible Man (and his dog!) 

Now then son take a look at what is going on and if you are very good when you grow up you will be able to work on that green like them. 

I know you can still hear Josie at the other end of the showground, but just try to block her out - like I do !!! 

Jayne has just heard that Linda Rutherford is about to throw her retrieve article . 

I`ll keep the envelope behind my back, as I don`t know if this judge accepts bribes. 

just checkin' that judge signed the card 

Aaaaaaaaaaagggaaaaaaaaaaaa doo doo doo, push pineapple shake the tree....… 

"Excuse me madam, can I count on your support in the forthcoming election?" 

You put your right foot in, your right foot out... in, out, in, out and shake it all about!! 

In case passers-by wanted to throw her food, Teela took up the 'ready' position 

tip 101; when the judge isnt looking... apply the superglue & hold in place 4 a few seconds! 

This was turning out to be the hardest ever game of musical statues to judge 

This always happens, tie up some string and someone starts doing heelwork through your garden! 

The judge was beginning to regret her choice of a javelin as the retrieve article..... 

That!s the back marker behind Jean Shaylers catering van. 

You might not have liked his dog Nadine but you really shouldn't have kicked him in thr groin! 

So where exactly in the rule book does it say that dog and handler have to be walking in the same direction during Heelwork? 

"I knew I shouldn't have fallen asleep when Mick Tozer was around" 

"You see, without these braces I wouldn't be able to do THIS without my trousers falling down" 

"I'm really stuck on 3 down, four legged animal starting with 'D'. Any ideas?" 

Stop there. I can't turn my head any more without my backside moving ! 

Ooh - I'd dock at least 2 for that present, and look at that sendaway - I could do it better with my eyes closed... 

Look Audrey(sigh)...£1.50 for the bacon butty, £1.00 for each of the five cups of coffee...£6.50! Now just pay up!! 

You do realise this pairs competition is supposed to be two handlers with two dogs!!!!! 

For Heaven's sake hurry up and grab them, the judges' lunches begin at 12:30! 

I wish she wouldn't wear the shoes with the metal toe caps when I'm wearing my magnetic collar ! 

Phew! That scent cloth was a bit smelly. 

Poor old Roly still hadn't noticed the rip in his jeans. 

I thought it was the handlers that should go out of sight during stays 

As soon as Jean Shayler arrives, we're first in the queue for a bacon buttie ! 

Thank goodness the operation is nearly over - aren't these field hospitals wonderful 

The floating ball under the cloth illusion failed to mystify the audience, as they soon worked out how it was being done. 

she did her sendaway like a rocket----straight up! 

Are you sure that isn't my tail Mum? 

Lucky I learnt to lip read. I'm ready when he says it. 

Oh no, thats cone and done it! 

Rick Wakeman's decision to take up judging doesn't get off to the best of starts when he suddenly remembers he can't read 

"Wow, the stuffed model of Stevie Frazer is spooky!" 

Well according to my 'I Spy' Dog spotters book I just have to see an Alaskan Malamute and then I have a full complement! 

But I did all the hard work - I got you here, decorated the bench, made your tea, and you won't even give me a bite of that sandwich that I made you. 

You expect me to limbo dance under that? you must be joking 

When they said I'd won a slap-up meal for two, I thought they meant for me and Roy ! 

The puppy that was brought up on GM food certainly stands out from his litter brothers. 

Wadd'ya mean come with me? You been watching Lassie again? 

Quick get out of the way before the photographer leapfrogs over Grandad ! 

Tightrope walking? Easy peasy. You just need a handler to balance with! 

Well they're always telling me I'm the 'King of Fourcups' - at least I think that's what they said!??! 

The batteries fit JUST HERE. 

I'm supposed to do the weaving, not you !! 

Oh no; they're looking for stay stewards! 

I'm certain she was supposed to cover my eyes not my ears for the scent test 

Then after that you have to sit cross legged and keep saying "Mmmmmm Mmmmmm" That way you will ensure a clear retrieve every time 

The collie over there told me that Retrive was exciting, but I've been looking at this thing for 5 minutes and it hasn't done anything exciting yet 

This will sort out the food motivated dogs !! 

I know it's said pairs on the schedule, but I'm sure we're supposed to have handlers too!! 

If we just try to look cool, maybe people will think we're just leaning against this post rather than stuck to it 

Since leaving Thunderbirds Lady Penelope's obedience training has been going really well. 

Slow, slow, quick, quick, Oh my gawd.....quick, quick, quick...........I'm going, going...... 

Its only a worm , it won`t jump up a bite you 

I don`t care how much you try to make me move you told me to sit stay and thats what I`m doing 

Don't sulk. Perhaps you'll beat Paul Anderson in the 'best legs' competition next time. 

So you expect us to provide earplugs because of the steward......? 

Ive just heard the news Coventry have just bought Lee Hughes 

I thought I heard them say she has collies coming out of her EARS..... 

"Excuse me sir... Could you practice your sits elsewhere... The next race is about to start!" 

If you stay on the floor, people might not guess that i've bent over and can't get up again 

I was lying here when the first dog did its sendaway so the judge said I have to stay here all day ! 

If I sit like this the judge will never notice the crooked present. 

Look at this one its got my name on it. I knew it would turn up somewhere! 

Here's my phone no. I'll ring you later when tweedle dee and tweedle dum have gone 

Don't laugh, but I think we're at the wrong show ! 

I kid you not the judges name was Hugh Jarse 

You show me what's in that bag ... or he'll show you what's under his jacket ! 

..... er ... forget the scores! Is that a bottle of Gin or Vodka?? Either would do? 

What do you mean your expenses? These ARE your expenses! 

Well we can teach you the heelwork to music But pulling a rabbit from your hat no way!!!!!! 

And now for the formation dog dancing team..... 

OK, who put superglue on Snowy's tuggy toy? 

Oh yes Lady,I see it now. You in gold, Me in black, the back drop of Crufts green.A vision to behold. 

We're going on 'Stars in their Eyes' as Keith Harris and Orville 

Wadda ya mean I can't judge from up here!?! 

Oh help!....I hope he can't see that tear in my trousers! 

I wish he wouldn't use nuts as training treats! 

I stood like this when the first dog worked and now I've got to stay like this all day !!. 

"OK.. I might be wearing leather but NO FOR THE FINAL TIME... I AM NOT SUZI QUATRO" 

Diane, I am delighted to say THIS IS YOUR LIFE 

You ARE the Weakest Link - Goodbye! 

For Gawd Sake you two, Start the music, me bums gone numb!!!!!! 

Sounds LIKE two sylibols, give me a clue. 

Alright so I took a Viagra last night. What gave me away? 

I know the judge said face your dog to the rear and give it scent but this is ridiculous! 

Waddya mean you want to see the round first? Just do it will you?! 

Oh no! She's getting me a Fried Egg Bap instead of a Bacon one!! 

Where's the dog? 

White Van Man (aka Tony Deegan)